attack your requiem

attackurrequiem @ 2008-10-02T22:26:00

2008-10-02T21:02:24Z

I've written some lines but forgot how tricky it is to count on the computer. Yeah I defiantly forgot the whole feeling of posting, of writing. it's been more then two and a half years since the last post. God knows I didn't come to here to catch up, I'll just continue from tonight.
Tonight was damn stressful' my body reacted pretty badly to all of the stress. You see' from the start I knew this job wasn't easy, I don't even think about the money' which really is a good surprise to myself. The pay doesn't even cross my mind which probably means that I believe in what I'm doing so... I have to say that's its weird writing in English again. It's better than Hebrew that's for sure. Anyways, I have 8 people that've filled my days with love, pride, excitement, but all in all dude, I'm stressed. I'm fucking worried. 8 whole people, you fucking know what it means? I didn't really knew' and I still don't capture the whole meaning of it, but I think that I'm starting to get a good sense. Anyways I'm tired... I'll continue tomorrow. I promise to myself.

Btw whole day long I isn't understand why the postsecrets are last weeks… only now I realize it's still last week.

attackurrequiem @ 2006-05-03T23:21:00

2006-05-03T20:22:00Z

I guess you will always have that special someone that is more important than me. I rather not trust you than to feel neglected by you. I can't say that I'm easy, but I'm easier then you think. Unwrapping is the action that I'm asking of you and I can’t really say that you succeed. No one has the power to handle it, and that's ok because I'm just fine hearing what you have to say, and I don't mind it at all. But DON'T FUCKING LEAVE. I don’t like being taken for granted, and you're as pure as it gets, I'm pretty sure that it doesn't even cross your mind. I can’t blame you for loving someone so bad that even when I talk to you, you don’t really listen. That you see me in the brakes you take from one another. And it’s a matter of minutes. You won’t admit that something is wrong, so I'm slowly saying goodbye. It's your unspoken choice. I will always be there to hear what you're saying, but you won’t seep to my heart. And you won’t get the present because you didn't bother to unwrap the rapper nicely enough to preserve it.
Other then that, all the army crap is going great. Only two years to go. I'm just tierd.

attackurrequiem @ 2006-04-04T01:53:00

2006-04-03T23:07:01Z

36 on one arm. 11 on the other. decreasing or increasing, they are always with me. every single one of them. like beautiful scars which i choose not to remove. they are as pretty as the wind. and they will too blow over.
they remind me of possibilities, of uniqueness which i doubt anyone will get to cherish. they remind me, when no one else does, the beauty of self. some of them fell apart over the years, some are holding on their last string hoping to survive the night. they are not a statement, nor a reason for attention, they are not a thing besides a part of me. not for you to watch. not for you to question.
the more days pass the more i ponder on my choice of their existence. in a month from now they will simply become objects who are not a part of the required formality and i will not have a choise other than to say goodbye. i don't want to be forced, but i know their time has come. although they have given me the confidence of beauty which i was lacking, i know i can be AS beautiful without them. because i'm 47 flavors and then some.
i love you with all my heart and thank you for the shade you have given me over the years. it's time for you to blow.
requiem.

attackurrequiem @ 2006-03-22T01:59:00

2006-03-21T23:59:20Z

all theories
like clichés
shot to hell,
all these small faces
looking up
beautiful and believing;
I wish to weep
but sorrow is
stupid.
I wish to believe
but belief is a
graveyard.
we have narrowed it down to
the butcherknife and the
mockingbird.
wish us
luck.

attackurrequiem @ 2006-03-21T02:08:00

2006-03-21T00:08:46Z

I knew this would happen sooner or later. And I got off it pretty cheap. Driving recklessly, imitating the wind, no boundaries that capture you. Driving like every breath is your last. Pushing the car to the farthest it can go. Hearing the motor roar from your demanding grip. You can do better. Fantasies that seem far too real always have intimidated me. It's like black or white. If it can happen it's not in my book. Well it can, but I will keep that from happening you can count on me. And if you're not fantasy then you must be a craving. A delicious one that I will get one way or another. In my head or between my legs, it's ok; it's not up to you. But you see? Crashing the car is not ok. And I'll admit that. And it's ok. And it's my fault. And you shouldn't suffer and wait in anticipation for the next time I'll screw up. I'm never screwing up. I like those few lines:
"Gray no petals no introduction gray matter for introspection
Water making and breaking seeming fine
Faith no martyr no resolution depth of water over our heads in
Breath restricted all suffocation... breath"

It got nothing to do with now. My head is swollen to the limit. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to cry right now, blow things out of proportions, and make a scene. What? What the fuck am I so greening about? Fucking admit your mistakes and move on, don't linger on them. But crashing the car was truly a dream, I'll admit. But everything's ok, and the mission wasn't completed. The result of few seconds in the oblivion. Not enough seconds.

Life is really easy
When taken down apart
From up around the center
A spiral blown heart
To give it some relation
To give in to belief
Freedom to the limits
The limits set you free

I wish someone will teach me the limits in a way I can understand.

attackurrequiem @ 2006-03-14T22:00:00

2006-03-14T20:01:26Z

It's all about the copy & paste

attackurrequiem @ 2006-03-11T05:31:00

2006-03-11T03:32:55Z

You wouldn't recognize me even if I'd stood still for few minutes standing right there infront of you. I'm your fucking dream, I'll control you and posses your mind. Every time you'll wave your hand you'll remember how your fingers were inside of me. Fucking every little bump I have in my vagina. Making me cum like never before. The fucking sun is up and I still can’t satisfy myself. You couldn't have either. Fuck, you have no idea who you're dealing with. And the funniest thing is that everyone that will read this will think it's about them. Fuck no, it's about me. you're the weakest part of this equasion. Gees how I exaggerated the term everyone. Birds are chipping, mom's taking a shower (which I so desperately needed), and it's 5 in the morning. It's 5 in the morning and I'm hunting songs instead of dreams. Soulseek is addictive. And so are you. It's always amusing to hear that someone has been dreaming of you. It can entertain my mind for few good couple of hours. The thought of relevance to someone blows my mind away. But I wish that you'd be day dreaming of me by choice not by accuracy. I want you to look at me as I am with the look of a hungry beast. I want you to have a good look at the sensation you didn't and won't get to meet. Because probably the recognition of the best girl you could have had will catch you few minutes after I'm gone. I need to fucking change the topic.

attackurrequiem @ 2006-02-26T02:15:00

2006-02-26T00:24:36Z

OH MY FUCKING GOD. I have fucked it up again. Oops would be the right word to describe it right now. I've ruined every bit of a chance to a relationship (though I'm not really sure there was any chance) just by being the slot that I am. I just had to have him right then and there. It's so superficial, yet I'm so turned on. He's the hottest. I'm going to make things happen, and I'm so glad it's with him. I'm not good at having guy friends I guess. It just kind of bothering me that he would have taken that offer from anyone that would have offered. I'm kind of surprised that no one ever did. I'll be the happiest girl if he would dare to kiss me. You have no idea how many songs are playing in my head right now.

attackurrequiem @ 2006-02-23T00:45:00

2006-02-22T22:46:22Z

I could've torn her family to shreds with just two words. Like he tore mine with just two seconds. He should be so fucking grateful. It's heartbreaking to see him holding his grandchild knowing that after a drink or two he'll make him lick his fucking dick. And later he will offer him some milk, or ice cream to welcome him to his new reality. His new screwed life. My only wish is that he'll be able to control himself this time. God knows what will happen, and maybe I'll be the one to blame. It was either to destroy his (my) family and getting my revenge, or letting them be. His wife and children are the kindest people, pure gold. And I still believe I did the right thing. At least he knows that I know that he knows. Bastard.

picture is by the remarkable Jason Sho Green

attackurrequiem @ 2006-02-21T03:44:00

2006-02-21T02:09:03Z

I hate graceful chicks. The delicate angelic ones that know shit about anything. The ones that you probably fantasize about in just about now. The porn star material which I'll never become. They're just beautiful. The wrong kind of beautiful. I hate graceful touches. She touches me in the most repulsive way possible. Worse then noa, she means it. She lures me with her love. It shivers me, and discust me, and I can't stand it. I'm shaking her off knowing that it will not stop her. She's disgusting. Butterflies and feathers and all that kind of crap should exterminated.
And I hope he'll ask me out again, just so I can prove to myself that I can do it.

attackurrequiem @ 2006-02-18T03:55:00

2006-02-18T01:57:49Z

chaos is a bliss

attackurrequiem @ 2006-02-16T23:33:00

2006-02-16T21:34:02Z

Would you sleep with a relative, for money, with a dog, a minor? I fucking dare you to say yes. I want you to admit that you're a sick asshole like me, and not feel slightly ashamed about it. I couldn't care less. I know I would. Maybe I was never treated like a normal girl in the first place. My mind is constantly occupied with sex. And I don’t think it's abnormal, I enjoy it. Few days ago I totally crashed my car. I was the driver in a car full of girls. We were driving through rocks and bumps and all sorts of things that I'm not really sure what they were who had made my car jump like a goddamn ghetto car. I could feel the sexual tension that was going on. I could totally scent that they were enjoying every single bump, just as much as I did. Their cunts were desperate for more. And I was desperate for their cunts. If it was in my world I would reach towards her lap, slowly scratching her thigh so the motherfucker would scream her lungs of trying to kick me off of her. She doesn't understand why I'm doing this. I'm much stronger then her so the pathetic attempts to push me away just make me slap her pussy harder. She's fighting me and unties her belt buckle so she can escape. As an instinct I close the doors and stop the car. I try to kiss her so she would calm down. I know she doesn't want it
At all, I know that I'm forcing her and it turns me on. I can't help it. I slowly lick her tears away, kissing her softly. One of my hands starts to play with her hair, the other strokes her clitoris. My mouth is on her neck sucking as hard as I can. She starts to enjoy the whole sick play she's gotten in to. She's not fighting anymore, I'm fighting for her. She's all wet, too afraid to orgasm. She doesn't deserve it anymore; she's given in way to fast. I start to bite her vigorously, she can’t give up. I try to choke her with her safety belt so she would sense the danger. It's so fucking hot. I can control her and she knows it. Another few bumps totally scratch my car, I look over at her and she's all laughing. That bitch enjoys it up and down her freaking ass. They all told me to back up (which I took quite literally) at this point. My car wouldn't have survived another abyss. So I headed backwards to the main road. Those freaking fantasies totally make me oblivious. They make me cheap. And they happen all the time. I can’t recall a day that I don’t think about it. And I want you to want me despite of that. Because I'm not easy at all to like. And if you really care for me you would restrain me, and never let those fantasies happen. Don’t use my sickness. I want you to want me withought knowing how bad I want it. And that's all I really want.

attackurrequiem @ 2006-02-04T15:51:00

2006-02-04T13:55:45Z

I think I'm going numb. can't remember my past and I'm less then enthusiastic about my future, I live now. And there aren't allot of things that fill me. I'm as hollow as a bone. It seems as if I have some sort of brain damage. Like someone is pushing on the soft spot before my skull has fully developed. I'm all about that soft spot. I need someone to build me all over again. I can become the tallest building of you all, but I can't do it alone. Not anymore.

attackurrequiem @ 2006-01-30T04:40:00

2006-01-30T02:41:15Z

It's too damn bad that we can't have it all. We can't be happy and alone because then we have to face ourselves. We also can't be happy for too long with someone else, because it's a self destructing cell in the long run. And it's freaking depressing to think about that. That it is all driven out of our lack of self confidence. And it is not something you can learn, or increase, because all in all our self hatred will remain. Unfortunately we will forever see our flaws. We will forever face them, and as much as we'd like to love ourselves, we all know what we're made of. Happiness is achieved by naivness maybe. It's achieved by someone who was fool enough to fall for us, and tell us all the fantasies that we wish we were. And it's sad as hell. I'd like to believe that I'll never be completely happy so I could vanish any chance of optimism. But I don't believe that. I want you to lie to me, and I want you to think that I believe you. Your body warmth will comfort me because I'll truley would believe that my body warmth is doing the same for you. But yet again we can't have it all. And I don't really know what it means.

you have no idea how i'm feeling for you, and i hope you'll never think as i do.

attackurrequiem @ 2006-01-20T22:47:00

2006-01-20T20:52:05Z

Going out to the Moosad tonight after a long time I didn't go out. Should be pretty awesome. Good club and all that. But I don't know... I hate the environment of clubs. I'm in the 'Holden Catcher in the Rye' symptom for far too long.

attackurrequiem @ 2006-01-19T05:04:00

2006-01-19T03:34:09Z

Everything's just smells bad. Fuck it all. I'm just so confused and frustrated. The fuck he comes and says he loves me and all that crap? I'm the most beautiful girl he ever met? Cut the bullshit it pisses me off... I'm so angry right now. How can you ask me to forgive you when you did absolutly nothing wrong? So freaking pissed... why couldn't you find another girl to tell that crap to? I don't need to hear that, I don't need you to come and stir my life around, and we were perfect as friends. Friends. Fuck you asshole. You absolutely fucked everything. You fallen for the wrong girl and now you make me break your heart. Because I can't deal with mine. I would've kissed you if I was sure of it all. But I can't live with the thought that you care for me as much as you do. I don't deserve this. I've been the nastiest a person can be just so you backed off, but you didn't get the clue, you didn't fail in the test. You A'sed it. Asshole. And you're so beautiful, you have no idea. But it's like getting to the wrong number. Expectations are overrated. And what have we got left? It's hard. And I don't know why I'm being all dramatic about it. I just thought it will never come. I can't believe I treated him like I did. Giving just enough hope for the last crash. I can't deal with intimacy, with feelings of such and it's aggravating. He treats me as if I was the specialest girl in the world, he'll do anything. Tradicly the love story ends. I just can't.
And this is the saddest I felt in a very long time.

attackurrequiem @ 2006-01-16T05:07:00

2006-01-16T03:08:25Z

By the way love, this is my next tattoo

Static X are hilarious

attackurrequiem @ 2006-01-16T03:34:00

2006-01-16T03:02:41Z

I can hear this song in loops for hours. Every single whisper caresses my breasts as if their being molested by the filthiest AIDS contaminated bustard. He's jack hammering my ass while whispering how he'll cut my throat open if I'll dare to enjoy the rippage of anus tissues.
I want your rough house baby
I want this right in your ear
You let me feel your danger
I let you make this feeling clear here
I want the touch of your charms
The heat of your breath
I wanna say all those things
That would be better unsaid
The song is ending pretty soon, and maybe I shouldn't hear it anymore. Maybe I should stop this all before I get carried away. Maybe that's exactly what I want. Next time when I'm slowing my pase near people who raped their daughters in front of their moms eyes I expect them to follow my will. I'll be good, I'll be bad, anything. My inner will surrender to the taste of dirt and penis. Inject me with your self petty.
And then radiohead comes on with this great tragic song and turns my fantasy inside out. Damn. Now the rage in my hormones turns into anarchy in my heart. Build to spill I guess. It's kinda funny this real life scenario. I can't concentrate. I just can't. Made up dreams by build to spill is now replaced to Dave Matthew's gravedigger. One more sad song and I'll be out of it all. ok i'm good. radiohead can kill, just so you know.
i'm trying to find inner quite. it has fucking turned into Where is Waldo (איפה אפי, הדמיון חוגג)
בעצם ככה יותר טוב... זה מוזר איך כמה צלילי טכנו מוציאים את הטוב שבי. פתאום הרייג'ינג ביסט מצליחה לשחרר כמה משפטים ברצף.
to the sky
אני מזכירה לעצמי את הבלבול של ליהיא משומה.כמה פעמים בלבול נכתב כבולבול... לא זה בכלל לא רעיון רע.
I sat by the shore few days back. In a redaciously clean beach. It's almost pathetic that there is an actual afford in straightening the sand, putting thousands of light bulbs to light up the ocean. How pathetic is that dude? My sex appeal is at the lowest. Anyways, it's kind of an abuse in my opinion. I wasn't all that surprised when a waitress picked up the siggs I threw in the sand. Somehow I feel the comfortablest I ever felt in the past few weeks. The ocean always reminds you that fucked up thing. The waitress had a really nice stripper ass.
I want to be called Latasha for some reason.

my dad bought this stupid camputer camera. Vanity will get you so far.

attackurrequiem @ 2006-01-12T03:10:00

2006-01-12T01:23:42Z

Got my little piece of technology working, which is a great accomplishment for a girl who can only figure out how to push the update journal square. It took me about a week to get my ass to this chair and hours trying to figure out how to connect with this not so oiled machine. The damn computer is ok for now. And I'm feeling not as cool as I used to be few hours back.

attackurrequiem @ 2005-12-26T04:10:00

2005-12-26T02:52:57Z

"And the sharp hiss of one voice that started out softly, as though below layers of moss, or flesh, and gradually became so loud it drowned out everything else: Thinner, it said. You've got to get thinner."

I never hear that voice; even if I do it vanishes as fast as it appears. It's weird in a way, unbelievable to the most. It's hard for me to recall a period in my life that I was too concern about my appearance, even though I'm aware of the fact that I don't look too standartish. I live in a very judgmental environment that really didn't spare me of name calling such as fat, ugly, and the great combo of both = fugly. Offcourse in our fabulous Hebrew it's with wider range of words and descriptions but nonetheless the meanings of all are just plain cruel. I'm aware that I'm overweight, and not close to gourgesness. But I'm cool with that. As cool as H.R Giger. -----BOOM------ 'More power to you sister' or 'who are you kidding'? I don't really know why I feel bad about it either? Maybe it has become obvious that in our society the majority of men think of sex and the majority of women think of their appearance? It's a pretty dumb statement; it's obvious that both genders think of both. But if you look at it in the superficial way of view that's the way it is.
Fear creates weakness. Weakness creates fear. Nothing new so far. But why our minds become so twisted and unrealistic of our appearance? Opinions of others change our own opinion, and this change accurse only as a result of weakness. People are afraid of being weak and yet they create their own weaknesses without even noticing it. Maybe I'm not getting it, maybe I will never understand the need for outsider perfection. I will never disrespect people who are self obsessed or are blinded by self hatred. but I will not understand that in the near time. Maybe I'm the blind one?

There's like a homicide of little bugs each time I move an inch. It'll be the best transformation pictures of all ages after the sterilization that I'll be doing in my room

attackurrequiem @ 2005-12-23T02:00:00

2005-12-23T00:54:14Z

Insert yourself. Make me bleed with your penetrations. Make me beg for more. Harder. Keep going and don't let me go. Don't stop punishing. You infuse me your worst tries of making everything perfect while I adjust my heartbits to your strokes. blazing. Ejaculation terminates our love.

I don't know what I'm so afraid of, why I stopped writing. If you think about it I don't really do much nowadays. I don't talk about myself and I don't write about myself, to sum it all up we're left with nothing. It's quite frightening to think about my lack of self expression, if you can call it that.I'm getting way too comfortable, which is never a good sign. Let's stir things up.